Sense and Sensitivity

I had my first miscarriage in the summer of 2002. Only my family knew I was pregnant. I didn't tell any of my friends because I didn't want the couple I worked for to know. They proclaimed time and again that they "hated kids" and thought stay-at-home-moms were "weird". Not what you want to hear from your friends when you have a baby in your womb.

I had my first miscarriage in the ladies bathroom at work. I was in shock, I think, and totally swamped with work, so I went back to my desk and finished out the day like nothing happened. Besides, like I said, my employer friends didn't know I was pregnant in the first place. I was a little naive and didn't think I could say, "I need to go home, I just had a miscarriage." The next day I found out that my best friend was pregnant. Rejoice with those who rejoice.

The situation at my office was going downhill fast. Mike knew I was completely stressed out and asked me to give my two week notice so I could stay home and try to start a family. I had another miscarriage a few months later in the fall.

I dealt with those first two miscarriages through denial. They were over within a week and I could just pretend that they were a figment of my imagination if I didn't think too much. However, doubts crept in about my fertility. I think every woman secretly wonders if she will be able to conceive.

I learned quickly not to say much to anyone about my pregnancies. Some of the things people say about miscarriage are horrible. Once I overheard someone voicing their opinion about a woman who had had multiple miscarriages, "She should just get a clue that God just doesn't want her to have children." I didn't get any comments quite that rude, but I did get a couple of, "This is just mother nature's way of weeding out the bad seeds", "You're really better off this way", or "So-and-so just had a miscarriage. They are so common these days." Like your pain is just another statistic.

Really, nothing people say can take the pain away. It is what it is. The most comforting thing you can do is just be there for someone, listen to them and pray for them. God has a plan and His timing is perfect. A huge blessing came out of my sadness. I became pregnant with Blake Austin in February 2003. If I had carried either or my previous pregnancies to term, I would not have my little Blake. Praise you Jesus for your tender mercies.

And we know that God causes all things to work together

for good to those who love God,

to those who are called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

I'm sorry I haven't been around lately. I haven't really known what to say. If you haven't guessed already, I had another miscarriage in early June. Unfortunately, this time I can't deal with it through denial. Technically, I'm still having a miscarriage, and as of today it has been 25 days. The first week, I was in denial, the second I was depressed, and now I'm just ready for the process to be done so we can try again.

I am so thankful that I have Blake. Because of him, I think it would have been easier this time if it weren't for the constant physical reminder. It is hard to be completely healed in your heart when your body isn't. Thankfully I have a wonderful doctor, who made me laugh to distract me from the ultrasound monitor showing my lifeless womb. That was hard. Also, when someone asks Mike and me when we're going to get Blake a little sister it obviously tugs at my heart. Other than that, I'm doing fine. ;) Things are looking up and the sun is shining again.

If you've gotten this far - wow, you're brave! Thanks for listening. I do have one favor to ask - please pray that the medication I am taking will work so I don't have to have a d&c. Thank you.

Sing to the LORD you saints of His;

praise His holy name.

For His anger lasts only a moment,

but His favor lasts a lifetime;

weeping may remain for a night,

but rejoicing comes in the morning.
Psalm 30:4-5

Darlene wrote a wonderful post on January 26th entitled,

"A Person's a Person No Matter How Small". Please check it out. Thank you Darlene, your post touched my heart.